Every year, the third Wednesday of October marks International Pronouns Day. This day reminds us that referring to people by the pronouns they determine for themselves is fundamental to human dignity. Doing it incorrectly affects transgender and gender-nonconforming people.
It might sound trivial, but it has a profound emotional and mental impact.
Shiva Kumar has been voicing those suppressed issues often pushed under the carpet or hushed beneath the societal pressure. He is the founder of Nestam, a first-of-its-kind LGBTQIA support group in Andhra Pradesh and the country, creating awareness about such rights and entitlements of the marginalized segment of the society.
In a candid conversation with Life Beyond Numbers, Shiva took us through his journey from missed suicidal attempts in his early days to helping his community today.
Shiva, a postgraduate, works in the education stream and hails from Visakhapatnam, AP, where he resides with his mother.
“I was Assigned Male at birth, I identify myself as an Asexual Cis Gay Man. My pronouns are He/They. The journey was never an easy one, and in every phase of life, I had to overcome various hurdles,” said Shiva, looking back at his early days.
He/They also adds that it doesn’t mean life is devoid of happiness. Nevertheless, the hardships overshadowed them. In most cases, challenges begin at home, and Shiva’s experiences weren’t much different.
“Finally, one day when I was away, I called my mother and explained about my sexual identity. She broke into tears. My grandmother declared she would seek help from other family members to take me to a doctor. I tried elucidating how I consider myself normal and why my life would be fine. It took some time for my mother to stop asking me to marry a girl, but finally, it settled. I don’t think she understood everything even today.“
Hailing from the Telugu community, which is comparatively traditional, makes it even more challenging.
“Narcissism commands. People are always ready to mock at anything that appears different. I try to deal with such mockeries with a smile and at others with tears in a closed room.“
Shiva’s schooling wasn’t a smooth sail either. He faced verbal bullying at high school. But the harassment didn’t stop there.
“I was abused sexually by one of my classmates during the school hours. It is comprehendible how people like me are easily targetable irrespective of the place.”
Often society’s outlook towards LGBTQIA takes a toll, and many victims fall prey to mental illness. Shiva was no exception and had developed anxiety since he was barely 13 years old. Anxiety set in primarily due to the fear of what his/their family would do to him. Despite being a great performer in academics, depression knocked on his door when he turned 18.
“I started to feel – Is it worthy of being alive with such an identity?” He attempted a couple of unsuccessful suicide as well.
It is crucial for a growing child to know gender identity and not suffer in silence. Often, many develop depression and panic disorders. A child’s personal and professional life is entirely dependent on it.
“When children are in a gender identity dilemma, focusing on any other realms becomes tough. Many quit their studies, and those who continue to repress may develop behavioral issues like extreme aggression, resistance, anxiety, etc. A candid discussion with them about the existence of the non-binary system of gender identities and gender expressions, can reduce the chances of developing mental health issues, at least not due to their gender incongruence,” said Shiva.
In 2009, the Delhi High court Judgement on Sec 377 brought a new lease of life into Shiva. That’s when he felt worthy being to live in mainstream society. Around that time, he was in Chennai and joined one of the LGBTQIA+ organizations. He was leading a youth wing, tried to instill the needed confidence to lead an adequately defined life personally and professionally.
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After a year, Shiva returned to Visakhapatnam, and that is when he/they decided to start something which would bring an understanding and awareness of the marginalized community. But it had its own obstructions. Until 2015, none from the community extended any support.
“In 2015, I met Harsha Hayathi, who identifies herself as a Transwoman, and shared my thoughts with her, and she joined me spontaneously. That’s how Nestam came into existence. We wanted to sensitize the current generation with the right information about LGBTQIA. Also, create awareness on why one hailing from the community must feel legit to be a part of the mainstream society.“
In the last six years, Nestam could reach a substantial number of students of all age groups and economic backgrounds.
Looking at this group’s efforts, some non-community organizations came forward to help it conduct sessions, awareness workshops, and film screenings for the general public. As a cumulative effect, Nestam is in the process of achieving its aim of an inclusive society.
Visakhapatnam, the City of Destiny, had evolved noticeably from the days when Shiva was in the process of identifying himself. According to him/them, now, at least a few people are open to listening to what they are saying and trying to understand the community’s existence. Even many opt to volunteer with Nestam in various sessions it conducts.
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Do we look beyond the lens of gender identity and accept the community for its cerebral and intellectual richness? It’s time, and we must.
“We are as skillful, creative, intelligent, and arty and at times have proven the highest IQ. For ages, many people stood as examples for their cerebral and intellectual brilliance. Such indigenous talents come under the limelight when the Indian media breaks the stereotypes. Thanks to today’s digital world, one gets amazed to come across stories of such geniuses across the globe,” expressed Shiva.
Over the years, there have been achievements in creating awareness and building a community. Shiva has been invited by a couple of prestigious colleges consecutively after Nestam’s first session to create awareness on the LGBTQIA+ identities to their freshers.
Meanwhile, once a non-NGO came forward to organize the Pride Month celebrations with it. Also, compliments from the students for conducting such awareness sessions and giving a safe community to feel belonged are close to Shiva’s heart.
As a voice of the LGBTQIA community, Nestam’s plans include associating with the State Education Department, AP. It ensures that every school, college, and university mandates the awareness sessions and permits to form student support groups for the community. Also, in the process to create an understanding through sensitization workshops for both public and private organizations.
Also, read: Meet India’s First Transgender OT Technician – A Sanskrit Graduate Who Begged At Railway Stations
Shiva wishes that the state government comes forward with some constructive methodologies in providing facilities for minorities that include Gender Non-confirming, intersex-condition, and people with various sexual identities. It must announce that they are going inclusive and that everybody should follow the same. Also, develop strict guidelines for making them rules abiding and setting clear consequences if one fails.
“Let’s put an end to our Cognitive Dissonance. Your life and those people around you would be filled with smiles, celebrations, unconditional love, and care. We can break many shackles just by making one shift, i.e., understanding and acceptance,” Shiva signed off the conversation with this profound thought and strongly believes that days will definitely shine as brightly as the Sun for everyone in the community.
Amen!