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Payel Saha

Payel Saha

BlogUp Contributor at LifeBeyondNumbers
Payel is a vivid traveler, passionate for her work, an aspiring writer born from her experiences; belong to a small and remotest town into northeast India and a wild lover of customs and culture.
Payel Saha

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The toughest battle anyone can go through is not the one with society, nor with any other person, but it’s with the person you see in the mirror every morning. There are many cases widely highlighted into many podiums where finally the person gets victimized under circumstances, and escort to suicide. But my question is, does this self-declared mercy killing really seek the peace which is constantly hungering upon?

Reasons and answers may be many, but somewhere underlined society impacts, few closed room conventions injected into a girl since her birth, a definition “framed and declared” as FACT to HER, directly or indirectly drives her to that hardhearted verdict. Rejection or deception in a relationship is one of the prime reasons to her self-proclamation. We “Girls” are by and large ruled over by our emotional quotient. At a point in our life, we surrender ourselves to our subconscious mind letting our emotions drive us into this pitiful yet pitiless world, where for miles and miles we lose our willpower to live, to succeed, and to smile, to laugh, to dance and to life.

My Date With Depression

I still remember that day, while standing on the fifth floor of my penthouse hotel room, I texted my sister that I want to jump down from there. That moment of time the thought of jumping down seems to be very adventurous to me, I was all drooling and completely hypnotized all around. Eventually one of my friends turned up calling the reception only to check as if I am fine or not. Suddenly my hotel room extension rang up, and I felt so disturbed as it was distracting me from my aloof world. Even there were times when for four continuous days I locked myself in my room and never felt like interacting with the world and people outside as somewhere I was tired faking out my smile to them. Those days I had just changed my job, and so I could not avoid my responsibilities.

fight depression

Every morning after a sleepless night, I used to get up and go to my work, faking a smile because for obvious reasons I just could not accept my boss to illustrate all those inner voices I was hearing. My profession demands me to travel across, and when I sat in the front seat of my car, many times I found myself symmetrical with those dusty yet silent roads and I simply could not control my tears from rolling down my cheek. This happened to me many times irrespective of where I am, with whom I am and what I am doing. The worst part is I just could not speak out to my family also, the struggle was all about ME & ME and I felt so helpless.

My sister got so scared that she literally forced me to stay as a paying guest with a catholic family in the new city. She left no stone unturned to get connected to me 24×7, Whatsapp, Skype, E-mails, including my landlady’s mobile. I hardly remember how many nights I actually slept in those 4 months. Every night while closing my eyes I used to feel so tired that I would say to god this night should never end up. I tried many pegs of Vodka so that it strain me to sleep, but I just could not manage to sleep the whole night and used to get up with heavy hangover in the morning, forcing me to opt for a leave the next day, which actually worsen my situation as full day I had nothing else other than sitting idle in some corner of my room.

Once I visited my physician for a regular checkup, and I just told him, that I feel very hungry every now and then. He looked at me and said, it’s called depression which is clearly visible on my face. Adding to this, I asked him if I really needed to see any psychiatrist, but he replied, you are a strong girl, first try to push and gain your inner power.

Discovering The Power Of “ME”

The house where I am staying, I met a girl who is serving the family as a maid. A girl of my age probably, she used to call me Didi, greeting with a smile. But I had never seen anyone visiting her here since I am here. One fine Sunday afternoon when I asked her, she narrated me her story.

She got married to a remote village in Bihar, where for months she had never seen her husband, and finally one day, she left and came back to her mother and father. Her parents also denied keeping her with them and then she ran away from her home and took a train without knowing where she should go. She got up into a station, and one person, took her away with him, saying he will help her out dictating himself as her brother alike. But later on, that person actually dropped her to someone who was already living with 4 of his children. With time, she left with no option rather than living with that person and accepting him as her husband. She had undergone physical and mental agony for almost 2 years there. Finally, a lady from her colony helped her out and thereby she landed into this house. She told me, “Didi, I am not having a single penny saved and neither am I having anyone from my family. ” That day I was all thinking about her only. Neither she had any social identity, nor she is educated, nor a single paise, and with no one left. At least I have my family, a quite a good salary, highly educated, then?? Her analysis suddenly forced me to live a bit differently.

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From the very next day, I used to wake up in the morning and read the BIBLE every day. I have stopped demanding from GOD, rather now I say to God to show me the way which is right. I understood how strange it is, that every day we can spend hours in many unnecessary things but we can’t afford to spend 5 min to our prayers. Meanwhile, my sister keeps on encouraging me on my writing and conversing skill, and eventually I discovered myself as a columnist today. I had fought a lot in my silence, but today I have won in the crowd. With time I have learned that investment into self is the best thing, maybe a pedicure or a manicure or sharpening your strengths, or learning a new skill. The world will look at us the way we look at ourselves. All those nights earned me nothing, except few extra kilos, some brown spots, some dark circles on my face, few uncalled leaves, and most importantly my time and energy.

All I understand, that we are not programmed devices with lock and unlock pattern drawn and empowered by someone else. “I” am beautiful and smart, and probably the most desired woman here, and when “Iwill start believing it, the world will confirm it. You should never be addicted to something in such a way that you dare to doubt your own existence. The most powerful and supreme here is the only “ME”. Reward yourself, and trust me, you will make better in your next episode of life. Speak to people if you think she needs help, she already has her strength; all you need is just to reassure it to her. Give your hand to someone to offer her a life. Take pride that you are a Woman, and rejoice.

Once I got a text, which read, “Coffee never knew that it would taste so nice and sweet before it melts with milk and sugar“. We are good as individuals, but become better when we meet and blend with the right people.

CELEBRATE YOURSELF, CELEBRATE WOMANHOOD.

Image: source

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