I have been deep down in my life. I was so baseless in my life that I lived as if I was making the best of the opportunity available to keep me happy. To me the definition of happiness was different – it’s being lazy!
Yes. I was extremely lazy to even think about something because, trust me, thoughts are very dangerous, considering where I was in my life then. One thought would lead to another. A thought would question the why in me, the following thought must answer it, if not that will lead to more confusions, then questions again and slowly, very slowly… life would offer me answers. These answers, even if it elevates my existence, I did not like what I was offering in exchange for them. So I’d keep myself lazy and busy at the same time. Busy enough not to encourage useful thoughts – the thoughts that would improve my life.
I was engaged in meaningless conversations, useless activities and anything even remotely connected to depreciating my life’s being and the being in my life. I was dead inside and my vitality was getting restless. How long can you cheat thyself from facing the real face of self?
Something. Call it nature or God or the world, that something has a subtle way to show us our life’s compass. It could be my chance meetings and experiences with people who looked at their lives better, worse and exactly like me. While I was thrilled to meet people whose lives were better and worried about people whose lives were worse, what startled me was the uneasiness I felt when I met people exactly like me. I was baffled to find what they had become in life by being just like me.
I was afraid of my naked self. Shame and remorse are few words that could come close to this feeling. Truth be said, words fail to justify what I went through for few weeks upon this realization.
I wanted a change. I wanted to be better. I was engulfed with this very thought that I was petrified about everything else around me. I wanted to settle scores with my restlessness forever.
I remember the exact moment I realized where I was, what I was doing to what I should actually become and the huge ‘GAP’ in between that must be filled with nothing but my efforts to better myself.
This phase of my life when I was trading my everyday existence to finding ways to improve myself is by far the best I was gifted with. Did this happen quick? No. It took so many painful years.
The impressions of my past took its own time to change. The daunting experiences that I went through to make this happen are a test to my determination. The efforts needed constant reinforcement from my thoughts.
Fast-forward few years from then. I am living a life hoping my ears are deaf for anything but positive thoughts, my mouth is dumb for anything but good words, and my eyes are blind-folded for nothing but goodness around me. Alas, life throws me more experiences, again through people to test if I had my lessons learned well. I am pulled away from my life’s pattern that took several pain staking years to build. I am pushed into something that looks like deep dirt that would take another lifetime to get out of the rut.
The very same people who I was afraid of becoming are convincing me with their experiences that my life is a total sham. The whole lot is throwing words at me that would wound my soul. People who I respectfully stay away from are pulling me into their drama filled with fake tears, fake smile and fake love. I feel like being barked at for no reasons. I think. I am hurt. I fear becoming a victim to their fakeness. I am afraid I would give up being me for a world of people who are so strong about their false convictions.
I think about it. Why am I being affected by this? Is it because of them or is it because of me?
If I had to be honest with myself, a part of me wants to run away while the other part really wants to just shun these noises. I can do it by getting down to their maturity level and explaining things to them.
Haven’t I tried this in the past? Yes. I did.
Was it any good to them or to me? No. It never was.
So, what else could I do to silence the part of me that knows the answer to these voices yet stay away to save my inner peace?
Grow. Yes. Grow more. Grow so tall that I will never be able to hear these noises even if they yell at the top of their voices.
Are you growing every day?